The Handicap Rant, Apologies to “A Few Good Men”

Originally posted June 17, 2011 

Son, we live in a world that has handicaps, and those Handicaps have to be guarded by men with computers.
Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Unold?
I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.
You weep for your Handicap and you curse the secretary.
You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Handicaps, while tragic, probably are accurate.
And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, keeps impeccable stats. You don’t want the truth because, deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me to do the math, you need me to do the math. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending the game of golf.
You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very handicap that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a pencil and keep the scores yourself.
Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.